This still haunts me

It's Good Friday and I'm sick. My church had a special event set up today with several stations set up throughout the building taking you from the garden up to the crucifixion of Christ, and I had to miss it. I was told it was amazingly powerful and I'm sure it was.

A few years back I listened to a sermon that had to do with the last moments of Christ, and it's a sermon that stays fresh on my mind because of how impacting it was. I'd like to share it all with you now as you go into your Easter weekend.

What you're looking at is an ancient public toilet area in Ephesus. There were no doors, no stalls, not even toilet paper. That little culvert or trough on the ground in front of the toilets was filled with running water. Men using these toilets (apparently women weren't allowed to use them) would have to scoop up water and clean themselves that way before they were done. Well, after a time, some guys came up with a great idea. They decided to put a sea sponge on the end of a long stick, dip it into the water, and clean people that way.

Some people started getting infections from these cleanings, so the men began to use vinegar or wine to disinfect the sponges between cleanings. This is where a revelation comes in. I have to tell you, it's disturbing, and it hurt my heart. I hope it will always hurt my heart.

Luke 23: 36-37 says this: "The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.”

Think about that for a second. This man was hanging on a cross high above the reach of an arm offering a flask. Jesus was offered wine from a sponge. There's nothing in the bible about this sponge or where it came from, but what do you think the likelihood is that this was some random clean sponge on a stick? This man, who was beaten, mocked, hated by so many...I have a hard time believing they would, in a moment of kindness, want him to have anything clean. So he had this dirty, filth-ridden sponge shoved to his lips to relieve his thirst. He had that taste in his mouth when he died, that smell in his nose. And yet, even as this last cruelty was being done to him, he was loving the ones holding the sponge to his mouth, forgiving them and praying for them.

I don't know why, but out of all the images of the crucifixion, this one is the most haunting to me. It angers me more than the beatings and the ridicule. And it makes me love Jesus with such a fresh wave of emotions that it almost brings me to tears. He did that for me. He endured that for me. How many "modern day saviors" would drink from a sponge that was used to clean people after they went to the bathroom? I could see some taking the beatings and dealing with the harsh words. But this? I can't see anyone willing to do that for anyone else.

I think we take the gift of Jesus' sacrifice too casually on most days. At least I know I do. I hope this image reminds you of how much you are loved, and how much Jesus would take to assure you were forgiven and had an eternal place with him in Heaven.

Answering some questions

Someone over on Tumblr sent me a bunch of questions about writing and I decided to answer them here because it's such a long answer. To see the post in which these questions originate, click here.

Harbinger is still being made into an audio drama, yes. We have about fifteen different amazingly talented VA's doing voices, music, art...it's going to be amazing and our first episode should be out next month! I'll definitely be dropping by FimFiction to let people know. As far as giving any of my other stories the same treatment? Probably not. And that answer goes for fanfic as well. I'm still half a season behind in the show and I've kind of fallen out of the fandom for the most part. While it's still good entertainment I think they're playing to the fans too much now. Slendermane, the moment of severely obvious fanservice with Applejack that I've heard about, something about LyraBon? I'm kind of over it. I know I promised a Harbinger sequel but I don't think that's actually going to happen, much to the sadness of my actors. Fanfic sucks away all my desire to work on my own stuff and that is not good, so I'm trying to stay away from writing any sort of fanfic all together now.

I am definitely working on getting published. Actually, in the next week or two I will have the final draft of my manuscript complete and I'll be diving into the world of literary agents and publishers. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted on that as well! It's the first book in a series, Christian Fantasy but more Fantasy than Christian. I hope people will love it!

Writing original fiction is very different from fanfic in a lot of ways. You don't have established characters, settings, relationships, etc. that you know well. It's all coming from you so you have to get to know them. Sometimes I write little one-shots to flesh them out a bit, see how they interact with others and such. Don't be surprised if you have one thing in mind for a character and they turn out to be something else. One of the characters in my series, Cavalon, was meant to be quiet, reserved, wise and very much in the background. He decided he was going to be annoying, snarcastic, narcissistic, and very much not in the background. I had to reel him in so he didn't steal the spotlight from the main character too much. Which sounds funny but it's true. They take on lives of their own.

For this particular book I just wrote with very little plan in mind. In the end it worked out but I wish I had done it differently. I am now a big advocate of planning out things because it leaves less room for plot holes. Here is what I did for a project I am working on right now.

Once I know what I want to write about, I write down what I know. Names, relationships, anything about setting and scenes. It doesn't have to be in order and it doesn't have to be complete. Just get down what you know so you don't lose it. Trust me, you'll be glad you did. Also make use of a recorder when driving. A lot of stuff comes to me when I'm driving alone and I record it on my phone so I don't lose it. These are the things that are inspiring you to write in the first place so it's so important that you don't lose any of it.

Make a list of characters: Protagonists, Antagonists, and Power Players. The Power Players are important characters to the plot who neither lean too much to good or bad. But they are integral and their absence would disrupt things. Think Discord in MLP after his reformation, or even Kristoff in Frozen who is neither expressly good or bad. Dumbledor is another good example of what a Power Player can be. He is mostly good, definitely not a main character, but important none the less.

Just jot down what you know about them for now, find detailed character sheets online to fill out about them when you get stuck in the planning. Which will happen. Trust me.

Now for the plot. Believe it or not, ending is more important than beginning. If it's just a one story deal, write down where it will end and what is happening, how everything comes together for the great resolve. If it is part of a larger series, now write down these very same things for the overall series. Now figure out the beginning of just that first book. Once that is done, you have a nice shell to work within, But you still need a setting and genre to make things complete.

Are you writing a love story? An adventure? Mystery? It can be more than one but it should focus more toward one than another. That is what will drive your story and keep it from being swept up in needless scenes.

Your setting involves a lot more than landscape, especially if you're writing sci-fi or fantasy. You need to know your magical system, your political system, relations between countries - if there are grudges being held, alliances - who is in power. What is the level of technology, currency, things like this. This part is fun because you're building a world!

Now you start asking yourself "What comes next?" a lot. Look at the basic shell you've created and start filling in scenes. Start at the beginning and ask yourself that question. Write down the answer. Ask again. Rinse and repeat. If you get stuck, find a different scene and ask, "How did it get here?" meaning, what happened just prior to this that made it end up here? If you get really stuck, work on some character sheets for awhile. Spend time with them. Get to know the people whose lives you're playing with. Things will begin to come to you, I promise.

Eventually you will have a brilliant list of scenes and a hefty file full of character sheets. Now it's time to break things down into chapters. A chapter can consist of anywhere from 2-5 scenes, depending on dramatic tension and action. Do this until all of the important scenes you wanted are mapped out and in order of plot progression. Keep going until you have your entire book mapped out from beginning to end, then read it through a couple of times to make sure it flows right. Can you picture it all happening naturally? Does something stick out as not really belonging? Are there moments that drag and have no real importance? There are need to know things.

Once you are comfortable with that, get writing! You already have a map, now it's time to get behind the wheel and drive. It's a fantastic journey that will make you laugh, maybe make you cry, definitely make you want to kill someone (fictional or not) at least twice. And when you reach the end you'll feel like you're saying goodbye to friends you've known your entire life, even if there is another book with them coming.

Really long answer to your question but I hope it helps. I learned this method from another writer (don't ask me who -_-) awhile ago and it has been my formula since. Other writers probably have very different methods. It all comes down to what works for you. If this doesn't I encourage you to seek out other writers whose work inspires you and pick their brains. We're all a little narcissistic and love talking about this to an extent anyway.

There is no place online where my original works can be read since I want to publish them someday, sorry.

I wish you luck on this exciting new venture. Please don't hesitate to ask any more questions, I'd love to help when I can. And also keep me posted! I'd love to see what you come up with!

Frozen Review

This probably goes without saying but this post is going to be riddled with spoilers. Like, you'll be lucky if I don't go through this thing scene by scene, line by line. Okay. maybe that is a slight exaggeration. But only slightly. I've only seen the movie twice, once to just sit there and cry and laugh, once to go in with a more critical eye and not get too swept up in the story. So, let us begin by discussing the characters.

Elsa ~ Elsa is what one could either call a co-protagonist or a sympathetic villain. Here's the thing, she's not given enough screentime or story to really be considered a protagonist but her actions don't exactly make her villainous. She's just kind of there as far as what she is goes. We see right from the beginning that she was born with magical powers that let her create and control snow and ice, and that people in the castle at least are accepting of it. Until she hurts Anna, then it's time to shut her away. At a very young age this character is led to believe that being different is wrong and something that needs to be hidden. Whether she hurt someone or not matters, but the overall theme for Elsa is to conceal, don't feel, don't let them in. Be the good girl you always have to be. And because she can't be, she has to be hidden away. As an adult she has developed this horribly high level of anxiety because she's afraid of herself and what she can do, and she's afraid of people finding out she's imperfect and different.

Anna ~ As the main protagonist of this movie, you can't find anyone more likable than Anna. She's definitely not your typical Disney Princess in that she's totally awkward, a bit of a dork, and tends to speak before she thinks more often than not. She's basically every character Kristen Bell (who voices her) has ever played but that's what makes her so relateable. In true Disney fashion she is a princess who longs for love, though not for the usual reasons. She wants someone to love and to love her because she is so lonely. When she was young she and her sister were best friends who spent all their time together and then, just like that, Elsa became a shut-in who all but ignored her existence. When their parents die it leaves her completely alone except for staff for three years. Heck yes, I'd be longing for a Prince Charming, too!

Kristoff ~ I don't know why but I'm kind of ambivalent about this character. He's an orphan who was raised by trolls, sells ice for a living, and is best friends with a reindeer he talks for. He's not a people person, either. So when he meets Anna and ends up helping her find Elsa his snarkasm is quite tainted by the fact that he hasn't had much socialization. But the banter is quite amusing and witty. He ends up falling for Anna of course, and is fairly one-dimensional until near the end when he rushes back to Arendelle to save Anna.

Hans ~ Oh this character. I hate this character because he deceived me! I really liked him until it turned out he was the villain. He's charming, also random, but it's clear he is a good leader and it seems he truly cares about taking care of the people of Arendelle. Anna leaves him in charge when she leaves to find Elsa and he slides into the leadership role perfectly. He could have had everything he wanted without the duplicitous-ness but no, he had to be an idiot and screw all that up. Jerk. I was rooting for you!

Olaf ~ The snowman who dreams of summer. Olaf is the quirky sidekick who also serves as a plot device, albeit a very small one that was handled poorly. He's constantly falling apart and, for me anyway, walks the fine line between being amusing and annoying.

The Good

Overall, I loved this movie. The music, the scenery. THE FEELS. Even before I saw it the first time I would listen to the music and cry. I relate to Elsa so much that it literally brings me to tears. The scene where she is pacing in her ice palace and everything is turning red because her anxiety is about to go out of control and make her powers act in accordance....ugh. I just can't. She's repeating to herself that she's got to get it together, to control it and I have so been there. Anna telling her earlier that what she's done is no big deal, that she can just fix it if she tries is so reminiscent of someone with depression or anxiety just being told to get over it and try to feel better. Unless you're afflicted with something you just don't know how disabling it is. I've felt that pain of both isolating myself and feeling like I've lost everything. So this movie gives me feels to the enth degree.

I loved that there was so much texture in every scene. You could almost feel how silky Anna's hair was, feel the gauzy texture of the sheer on Elsa's dress and cape, feel how light and weightless some of the snow was, how cold and unforgiving Elsa's shackles were. There were small subtle sparkles in the snow and a shimmer to Elsa's eye shadow. Pleats in Anna's dress that expanded and retracted like an accordion when Anna twirled. Just so many wonderful visual things. Not to even mention to music. Every song, every instrumental piece was gorgeous or funny or FEELS. There's just so much to love about this movie!

The Symmetry

I'm really glad I went to see this a second time because it allowed me to be a bit more critical and see things I didn't pick up on the first time. There's actually a lot of subtle symmetry in this movie that you don't notice first go around. Like, there are a lot of doors in this movie. Anna always knocking on Elsa's door, the first line of Anna and Hans' duet, the door they hide behind during the song, the song itself. Anna taking forever to knock on the door at the ice palace and then when she finally does, having it open for her which no door has ever done for her before. The gates slamming closed between them when Kristoff brings her back to Arendelle. The door being locked when she and Hans are talking and then again after. Just really good continuity.

I loved the symbolism of the gloves Elsa wore as well as the gloves Hans wore. Both characters wore gloves when they were hiding their true selves. Elsa finally took hers off when she felt free enough to let everything go, and Hans took one of his off when he began to reveal his dastardly plan to Anna. It's a small thing but one I appreciate so much as a writer.

Then there were character quirks that just made me squee. Elsa has a tendency to roll her eyes, bite her lip. Anna plays with her hands when she's nervous or scared, she awkwardly tucks her hair behind her ear. These are things people do in real life and I love that they throw that realism in there.

What They Missed

I was actually kind of surprised that there were as many moments of, "this could have been so much better if..." as there were. The big one for me though was character development. I know it was not even a two-hour long movie but make it two and a half and give us character development. Give us those shots of Elsa in her room each time Anna knocks so we see that Elsa is really struggling and hurting so much more than Anna knows. Yes, people love her and relate to her but that was such a missed opportunity for me. She had development but it wasn't enough. Same with Anna, though she really had almost no development as a character at all. No one really did. I didn't care about Kristoff because I knew nothing about him.

The moment Anna and Kristoff meet Olaf there is this moment where Anna realizes he's the very same snowman Elsa created when they were small and this scene bugs me the most. It was pretty much a, "I have had no memories of this crazy power my sister has or YOU up until this very moment but whatever, it's cool, let's keep going." Seriously? This was an important moment! We could have been given flashbacks of all those memories that were replaced by the trolls turning back into true memories. Anna could have given a little gasp, clutched the toggles on her cape and said with a wide-eyed expression, "I remember!" It was just such a flat moment for me.

Another one was when Kristoff told Anna he was going to take her to someone who could help her after her sister shot her through the heart. Anna asked, "Who? The love experts?" Kristoff said yes, Anna replied, "How do you know they can help?" At this moment he turns around to walk backward and answers, "I've seen them do it before."
....
Okay, great. Does that mean he remembers the trolls helping Anna when she was little or that he just remembers them helping some random kid? The screenwriter said on Twitter that Kristoff did know it was Anna and that was his moment of revelation, and my immediate thought was, "Wait. What?" Again, a moment that could have been made a bit deeper by Kristoff saying something like, "When I was a kid they helped this girl. I don't really remember much, but she had this white streak..." And then his eyes go wide and he hastens her along. Anna wouldn't have had to pick up on it but it would have let the audience know without a doubt that he remembered the whole thing and knew it was her.

In my happy dream world Anna and Hans would have ended up together. In my secondary, less happy dream world she could have ended up with Kristoff but Hans isn't a class A swine and is actually a pretty nice guy. He does his best to try and help Elsa once she's captured and they end up falling for each other. It's that sniveling twit from Weaselton who send his men to try and kill Elsa in the end and it can all be wrapped up the same way it did in the actual movie. Anna can still save her and it could still be the true love of her sister to save her. But then both sisters would have found romantic love as well. Because I like that, okay?

Last thing, and this is just nit-picky. I kind of wish they had given Elsa one final costume, something that merged her ice dress with her Arendelle style. After all, the palace itself was a mixture of both, why not the clothes she wore? She was merging her two lives, wasn't she?

Also, how can you have Jonathan Groff in your cast and give him one measly tiny barely-a-song song? How is that even possible?

Wow, that was long. Despite my issues with parts of the movie I truly did love it and would not hesitate to see it again and again.

And cry each time.

As Long As You Look Good

Because I was supposed to move almost 2,000 miles away this summer, when I told my Cardiologist that I was leaving when last I saw her in June, she gave me all my files, wished me well, and sent me on my way telling me to find another doctor in Texas as soon as I could. Well the move didn't happen and when Venus died I kind of freaked out and realized I needed to get back to see someone. So I called to set up an appointment with the doctor I had up here in October and was just able to get in to see her last week.

Any other physician and I would have probably tried to find someone who could see me sooner. By the time I got in to see her it would be seven months since I'd had a check up and I'm supposed to go every three to four months. But I really like my doctor. She's thorough and really went to bat for me when I needed some medical back-up. So I waited until January and then went to my appointment so I could wait a couple of hours in the waiting room. Not only is she hard to get in to see but she is NEVER on time. But again, she's a doctor worth waiting for. And the waiting room is always filled with chatty people. This particular visit was no different.

As it would turn out two different couples, both at least in their seventies, came in for two separate appointments. They sat across from each other and started chatting about old age and how it's no fun, then of course the wait time. But then something happened. The wife of one couple said to the other, "You know, you look awfully familiar." Well it didn't take long for all four of them to realize they had all once been a part of a group of very best friends. They used to go out dancing and having fun, and they hadn't seen each other in at least thirty years! It was the coolest thing to watch and hear, the sharing of memories and remembering fond times. Of course talk eventually turned to who was still alive and who wasn't, but even that was special to see. Each person had fond memories attached to them and there was so much history to share.

Conversation traveled to how, now that they were older, there was less and less interaction with the outside world and friends among both couples. One of them mentioned perhaps going to brunch at the Elk's Club, and then snickering and chatter about the club followed. One woman said there was a man who went to her church who used to be part of the club and has now had a sudden "turn around" and much gossip was shared on the double life of this friend. Then the other woman, at the conclusion of that particular topic, said, "Well, as long as we look good, right?" and my heart kind of broke.

How many of us think like that, Christians especially? As long as we look good it doesn't matter what thoughts go through or head or what we do in our secret lives. As long as we show up every Sunday, drop something in the offering basket, sing when we need to sing and pray when we have to, it's all good. But nothing could be farther from the truth.

It's easy enough to say we believe in God and to look like we're following His ways but that is a dangerous way to live. Your outside will be lovely but your inside is filled with turmoil, lies, hurt, anger, all the things you want to keep hidden. And slowly but surely you begin to rot from the inside out. It won't take long before your outsides match your insides, and then...well that's just going to be a mess that no one wants to clean up.

I find myself slipping into that state of mind from time to time. Trust me, I am no angel. I do go to church every Sunday, attend small group, pray, do all the things "good Christians" are supposed to do but there lies a bitter seed in my soul. It lies within even the most pious and devout of us. If we don't stop to take inventory and truly invest in ourselves as well as each other then we're just among those waiting to rot.

Whatever walk you're walking, own it. If not to be honest with those around you then simply to be genuine with at least yourself. Don't go to church because you feel like it's something to check off your to-do list, do it because you want to be there. God doesn't want lukewarm believers. He wants you on fire for him or He wants you to take a step back until you're ready to be on fire for Him. Give because you want to give whether it be money, time, love. We are not employees of Christ, but meant to be his living examples. Let everything you do mirror the love of the Father. He is never anything but genuine. We need to do the same or eventually our outsides will catch up with our insides.

On another note I will definitely be doing a review of "Frozen" soon. I'm going to be seeing it again tonight and will be a bit more critical so I'm not just oozing, "OMG SQUEEEE!" fangirl moments. But until then, bask in Else's fabulousness.





My Father's Image

Every few weeks it seems there is a new quiz making its way around Facebook. "What's Your Maturity Age?", "What Color is your Aura?", personality tests, you name it and there is a quiz for it on Facebook, and if there isn't, well just wait a few days and it will exist. One test that recently made the ever-important news feed of "Most Recent" among my friends was a quiz that would help you determine whether you were more right-brained or left-brained. I've taken many of these types of tests before and have always, even as a young child, been a right-brainer. But I decided to take this one because it gave percentages and I was curious. After a handful of questions it was determined that I was 75% right-brained. I wasn't shocked at anything but the high percentage and the fact that they could determine this after just ten questions.

At first I questioned what that actually meant for me. Did that mean I wasn't analytical? Insightful? Was I just not that smart? My mind went a little crazy as it tends to do far too often. Then I took a breath and reminded myself that I am not dumb. I oftentimes feel like I am but then I have those moments where I say something so right and intelligent that I even amaze myself. (Has anyone ever seen "Drop Dead Diva"? Well I kind of feel like Deb sometimes when random moments of sheer brilliance come spouting from the Jane part of her brain.) And then I started thinking about it a little deeper. Maybe I'm not a genius but that doesn't make me less than. Quite the contrary, I think.

A good friend of mine gifted me with a bible study called "30 Life Principles" when she heard I was looking for a study to do on my own. I thought it looked decent enough to give it a try, so one morning I sat down with the intent of just kind of reading things over and get to a couple of the first chapter questions later. I was hooked almost from question one. These were questions I'd heard asked before but were posed in such a way that the answers truly became personal and reflective. And I started writing answers, looking up verses, reading deeper, and an hour later I'd done the whole first chapter. It was fantastic!

One of the questions asked was, "When God said, 'Let Us make man in Our image according to Our likeness', what do you think He meant?". This whole right-brained thing and my obsessive over-analyzing made me go back to this question and chew it over a bit more.

I am made in the image of God. I have known this in my head since I was a child. As an adult I still keep that truth tucked away in my vault of bible knowledge. But what does it mean? Does it mean that God is a short overweight white girl with skin problems? I'm pretty sure He's not. But I am still made in His image in a way that is better than any physical likeness I could ever imagine.

Before all else, God is a creator. That's one of the names He is often referred to as, the Great Creator. That's what He is called in one of my stories. Before man ever walked the earth He took seven days (be they literal or whatever you believe) to simply create. He made beauty from nothing. He brought life to a lifeless plain. He painted the first magnificent sunset and wrote the very first love story. He created man. Simply put, He created.  

There are many times that very simple things will start me thinking of a potential story or, more recently, lyrics. Christmas Eve I was sitting in the sanctuary during service at Centerpoint and one simple word, the very way it was presented, started my brain on this rush of images and ideas. And as I chastised myself and tried to focus on the presentation once more I idly thought, "The dreaded writer's curse." And very quietly, as if the last word of my thought was echoing through a cave, it changed and came back to me as a whispered "blessing". I am blessed to be able to find inspiration everywhere and in almost everything. I love it and I praise God for it every time He gives me a new idea. That time was a little different because I was in church and was supposed to be paying attention, but with that simple tender exchange of words in my mind He reminded me that my creativity is a gift He was gracious enough to give me. He reminded me once again that I am indeed made in His image because I am also a creator.

Others have His compassion, His grace, His endless capacity and desire for knowledge. He put a little of himself in all of us but knew if He put all of His true awesomeness into one single human it would just be like creating another god. And there can only be One.

I am made in God's image. I finally know this not only in my head but now in my heart as well. So other people can be the brains, others can even be the great beauty. I'm quite happy being the creator.

November

In case everyone missed the memo, it is now November. My adult years have helped me cultivate sort of love/hate relationship with this month. It seems like there is so much expectation and then everything falls through. Regularly. I don't know what I ever did to November but I sincerely apologize and wish it would stop hating me. I've always been fond of the change of seasons it brings (despite my occasional complaints of the cold coming too swiftly) and it has one of my favorite holidays, not to mention it is the birth month of some of my favorite people. October beat me up pretty bad so I'm hoping November will go easy on me this year.

Some people are aware that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo to the more informed ~_^). The goal is to write 50,000 during the month and some pretty great novels have come from the yearly word drive, Water for Elephants being one of them. The first year I participated I "won", meaning I reached and actually exceeded my word goal. Each year after that I attempted NaNo again and never even came close to finishing. Mostly this month is just a reminder of the fact that I can't seem to follow through on anything, even something I love doing.

I've kept a long mental list of all my failures and have recently added Texas to that list. I knew as soon as I made the decision to move that I needed to do it as quickly as possible or I would lose my desire. And sure enough with each passing day I wanted to be in Texas less and less. It breaks my heart simply because I'm letting people down and because it is yet another thing I set out to do and did not complete.

The Harbinger Project is shaping up to be another at this point. While I do have half a very good cast full of people who always reply when I email them, let me know when they're going to be late and generally communicate with me, the other half are impossible to reach, difficult to work with at times, and making this entire thing more frustrating and stressful than the fun it once was.

So here I am in November wondering what this month is going to hold for me. I thought I knew where God wanted me and now I am more uncertain than ever. I know it's time to be on my own and I'm actually really excited about it, but where am I supposed to go? Do I stay in Laconia, maybe Concord? Do I stay in NH at all? I don't know where God wants me and wish He would just tell me. I want nothing more than to do what He wants me to do but I need direction and I don't see it.

While I'm feeling lost I would ask for partners in prayer. I no longer feel as depressed or hopeless as I did even just a week ago but I still need people to come alongside me and pray. I've had God use people in amazing ways in my life to help me grow and direct me when He couldn't seem to get through to me otherwise. Maybe He'll do it again now so that I know the direction in which I should be heading.

On the plus side I only have four more chapters and an epilogue to go over with Laura before I find myself an agent and start seriously looking into publishing! I've really very excited about it. Hopefully we'll be able to get through the rest of the chapters fairly quickly and I can get this process rolling! Maybe that's how God is going to show me where I need to be. Who knows?

Until then I will continue working on the Harbinger, working on the game for IJ, writing others things, drawing. I'll continue going to CenterPointe and my group there. both for which I am so thankful I have. And I'll keep listening and looking for God's direction in my life.

So...Texas...

Some time ago I was told that the devil attacks you the most when you're doing what God wants you to be doing. In some ways that is one of the most frightening things I have ever heard but in more ways than not it is actually one of the most comforting. To know that my actions are leading me down the path God wants me to take so closely that the enemy is throwing things in my way to try and get me to stumble? Okay. Makes sense. As Christians we are told we will suffer for our devotion to Christ. And considering what Paul went through, just to name one devoted follower, what I'm facing in absolutely nothing. But to me, right now, it feels like absolutely everything.

I've been talking about Texas for a few months now, how I'm moving there for who knows why, but that I'm definitely going. When I made that decision and went down to Texas on vacation at the end of August I left a bag with Jess and Adam as "collateral", proof that I was really coming back. In it was packed more than half of my pony collection. Srs Bnz, y'all. One of Adam's comments upon hearing I was leaving a bag was, "Is she leaving money so we can ship it back to her?" Basically when I chickened out and changed my mind. And that comment hurt a lot more than I knew he intended. Adam would never intentionally say anything to upset me because he is one of my best friends. But I've been living under this self-given title of "Girl who says she's going to do something but really does nothing" for so long that it came as a slap in the face.

So I came home with great determination to get all my crap together and get down to Arlington. It was getting down to my deadline for moving (the 5th of October) and I already decided if I didn't find a car by then I would pack what I could into two suitcases, store what I couldn't take, find a car in Texas, then drive up and get the rest of my belongings close to Christmas. Then, literally days before I was preparing to buy a plane ticket I found a car. My trusted mechanic with 25+ years went with Heather and I to look at it, and even though it wouldn't turn over, Matt was sure he knew what the problem was and that it would be a cheap, quick fix.

Fast forward two weeks and almost $1,500 later, the car is still not fixed. He thought it was the fuel pump but that turned out to be fine. Then he noticed the spark plugs were all worn down so all the spark plugs were replaced. Still nothing. Some online research revealed this particular car sometimes has issues with a crank sensor. So the crank sensor was found and it definitely needed to be replaced, which it was. Still nothing. So Matt rolled up his sleeves and tore my engine apart to find the head gasket blown. Not only that but I also needed an intake manifold gasket, an exhaust manifold gasket, as well as two new cam seals, the last thing I have even yet to get. And then, after spending $80 to have the cylinder head magnafluxed and planed, it turns out the head is cracked. In three different places.

I still also need four new tires and have to inspect and register it. Oh, and last night I found out my cat had blood in her stool. So.... that's awesome. My default setting for the past week has been on the verge of breaking down. As of last night my default setting is now something like this:

 

 

At this point I am having to spend more money than I have coming in, all while Heather has basically let me stay here rent free this entire month. Needless to say, I am feeling overwhelmed. I have so many people making suggestions, telling me what they would do, offering suggestions that I don't even know whose voice belongs to who.

 

Was it really God who told me to go to Texas, or was it my own desire to go and start over somewhere? Was it Jessica's voice? Was I supposed to fly down and not get a car up here? Am I still supposed to go to Texas or was this just a step in God pushing me out on my own? I don't even know the answer to any of these questions right now.

 

People wanted an update so there you have it. I have no answers and don't know when I will. I...yeah. That's all I got.