Monday, November 4, 2013


In case everyone missed the memo, it is now November. My adult years have helped me cultivate sort of love/hate relationship with this month. It seems like there is so much expectation and then everything falls through. Regularly. I don't know what I ever did to November but I sincerely apologize and wish it would stop hating me. I've always been fond of the change of seasons it brings (despite my occasional complaints of the cold coming too swiftly) and it has one of my favorite holidays, not to mention it is the birth month of some of my favorite people. October beat me up pretty bad so I'm hoping November will go easy on me this year.

Some people are aware that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo to the more informed ~_^). The goal is to write 50,000 during the month and some pretty great novels have come from the yearly word drive, Water for Elephants being one of them. The first year I participated I "won", meaning I reached and actually exceeded my word goal. Each year after that I attempted NaNo again and never even came close to finishing. Mostly this month is just a reminder of the fact that I can't seem to follow through on anything, even something I love doing.

I've kept a long mental list of all my failures and have recently added Texas to that list. I knew as soon as I made the decision to move that I needed to do it as quickly as possible or I would lose my desire. And sure enough with each passing day I wanted to be in Texas less and less. It breaks my heart simply because I'm letting people down and because it is yet another thing I set out to do and did not complete.

The Harbinger Project is shaping up to be another at this point. While I do have half a very good cast full of people who always reply when I email them, let me know when they're going to be late and generally communicate with me, the other half are impossible to reach, difficult to work with at times, and making this entire thing more frustrating and stressful than the fun it once was.

So here I am in November wondering what this month is going to hold for me. I thought I knew where God wanted me and now I am more uncertain than ever. I know it's time to be on my own and I'm actually really excited about it, but where am I supposed to go? Do I stay in Laconia, maybe Concord? Do I stay in NH at all? I don't know where God wants me and wish He would just tell me. I want nothing more than to do what He wants me to do but I need direction and I don't see it.

While I'm feeling lost I would ask for partners in prayer. I no longer feel as depressed or hopeless as I did even just a week ago but I still need people to come alongside me and pray. I've had God use people in amazing ways in my life to help me grow and direct me when He couldn't seem to get through to me otherwise. Maybe He'll do it again now so that I know the direction in which I should be heading.

On the plus side I only have four more chapters and an epilogue to go over with Laura before I find myself an agent and start seriously looking into publishing! I've really very excited about it. Hopefully we'll be able to get through the rest of the chapters fairly quickly and I can get this process rolling! Maybe that's how God is going to show me where I need to be. Who knows?

Until then I will continue working on the Harbinger, working on the game for IJ, writing others things, drawing. I'll continue going to CenterPointe and my group there. both for which I am so thankful I have. And I'll keep listening and looking for God's direction in my life.


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