Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Dreaded Ugly Cry


Today is not going the way I had imagined, let's just put it that way. I woke up nervous but excited because a guy who was very interested in my car was taking it to his mechanic to get it inspected and see if it was worth the investment. I prayed. A lot. And I asked others to pray as well. It all seemed so promising. He test drove it the other day and really loved the vehicle. It was an end to a year-long dramatic nightmare for me and a light at the end of a vehicle-less tunnel if he offered me the right price. Maybe I could even get back into an Aztek, my beloved dream car!

Little did I know, the drama was not over.

About a half hour ago, said guy called me from a gas station to tell me he had stopped to fill up the tank, then watched it all pour right out from a hole in the bottom of the gas tank that literally had not even been there four days ago. It is no longer safe to drive and he's sorry, but he doesn't think he'll be buying my car. Well heck no, I wouldn't either! But now I have a car in a town a half hour away from me that I have to somehow find the money to have towed somewhere and worked on. Because nothing with this ridiculous car has been simple, easy, or cheap. And I am so beyond done with it. Beyond. Done. To the point where I'd like to set it on fire and push it off a cliff.

For years I have been without a vehicle and have had to ask to borrow cars or find rides to appointments and meetings, and quite frankly, I am bloody tired of it!

It's days like this when I struggle with trusting God's plans. So I cry. Usually a lot. Today it even hit the ugly cry.  But once I get it all out, there is the chorus to a song by JJ Heller that ALWAYS pops into my head:

 "Sometimes I don't know, I don't know what You're doing
But I know who You are..."

And as the song filters through my sadness and the whirlwind of  "How am I ever going to do/get/figure out.....?!?!" I know it's going to be okay. Might not be today, tomorrow, or even next week. But I know He's got me. And when I let myself remember that, I feel at peace. One of my very favorite verses is Matthew 6:26 because it reminds me,

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

So now I wait, I pray, and see what the next step is. Because I am taken care of. And I do trust that. I will always trust that, even if I have my moments of doubt.

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