Thursday, July 10, 2014

When I Was A Young Warthog

Title has nothing to do with entry. I just couldn't think of anything clever and "Hakuna Matata" was on Pandora. Yes, I listen to Disney on a daily basis. Don't judge me. Moving on.

After days of heat and extremely high humidity, I woke up this morning to temps in the mid-sixties and a humidity percentage below sixty. The sky was clear, the sun was shining, and I decided to take two of the air conditioners out to let the breezes run through the apartment, It's funny how just a little chilly wind can lift your spirits so much. Even Gallifrey is in a better mood, more his peppy self. He, like myself, seems to have trouble breathing in the heat and humidity, and we're both excited to be able to be out on the porch today, just enjoying the weather.

For anyone who lives in the Lakes Region, you've at least heard of Aroma Joe's if not experienced them for yourselves. I am not ashamed to admit that I am addicted to their coffee. So, feeling particularly jovial today, I decided to treat myself because, as they say, they are "wicked good".

It seems like on almost every back road there is construction of some sort going on, so I cranked up my music and just settled in with the understanding that a five minute trip was more than likely going to be closer to fifteen. On the way back home, sitting in a line of traffic, "Never Once" by Alanna Story came on and I was singing along when I was just completely taken over by the love of Christ. Completely out of nowhere. I love that song so much (their version especially) and have sung it more times than I can count, but for some reason today the words really struck me. In particular, "You are faithful, God, You are faithful." And tears came to my eyes as I struggled to even sing along at that point.

How many times have I cried out to God, asking Him to take me out of some situation, to change some circumstance, to really just fix all my problems? How many times did I not get the answer I wanted, or get the answer right away, and sulk like a child whose Daddy isn't giving her what she wanted? Far too often, I am sad to admit. I'm glad He still loves me even when I refuse to put my big girl pants on and stop being a baby. And I am ever-thankful He is always working behind the scenes. But I am most thankful for His patience because I tend to shut down when things are not going my way. I am ashamed to say there are times I'm close to just shutting Him out, too. But He never leaves, even in the moments I give in to my instinct to draw into myself and block everything else out.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm just kind of wandering, wondering what it is God wants me to do, where He wants me, and how He wants to use me. I know I am ready to move, both figuratively and metaphorically. After seeing how this summer is effecting me, Northern Canada is looking good. Only half joking. I'm doing an audio version of my book while I wait to see if anyone I sent my query letters to ( and am still sending them to) gets back to me. Harbinger will have the first episode published next month after FOREVER working on it. I have safety and security in this house full of Godly women who love me and support me. But I feel stagnant. 

If I had my way I would be published, move to Scotland, find a hot Christian man in a kilt, marry him, have babies, and write for the rest of my life. Oh, and I'd have either a yellow or burnt orange Aztek. It is my dream life, after all. And that has been my plan for ages. And that is what I have been moving toward. But I don't think I realized until just very recently that I've been asking God to bless my plans and not asking what it is He really wants me to do. Correction. I have been asking, and I am more than certain He's been telling me, but I am so bloody indecisive and doubtful that I am constantly questioning whether it was His voice I heard or my own, and I end up just sitting on my hands.

In the past few weeks I've had conversations with two different friends about hearing God's voice. One said someone told her that the more you hear His voice but don't listen to it, the harder it becomes to truly hear Him. Makes sense to me. Another friend likened God's leading to the way she expects her kids to react. The policy in her household is, "I expect you to obey me the first time." And I think God works the same way. Now I don't think that means if I don't listen, that's it. He's done. Like a true parent He will remind in some way or another, and maybe even again. But at some point He's going to say, "All right. If you are so determined to do this your way then go for it. I'll be here waiting when you realize I was guiding you along the right path." Not to gloat, not to give you snide remarks or sly looks that say, "I told you so" but to comfort if needed and continue offering guidance. It's always our choice whether or not we follow Him. Sometimes the end results of His plan and our own devices are the same, but the journey is always different. We experience different things. I'll guarantee the experiences on the path God provides are way better for us.

So as I sit here, questioning day after day what the heck I'm here for and what I'm supposed to do with my life, I will continue to trust Him. I will continue to work on trusting Him. Let's just make that statement a bit more honest, shall we?

"Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful."


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