Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Under Pressure

I don't know about anyone else but I've never been good at handling pressure. There are certain types of pressure I thrive on (deadlines, for example) but when it comes to any other type of pressure I suddenly forget I'm almost thirty-four and turn into a big ball of tears and sulking. I am proud to say this has gotten better over the years but I am ashamed to admit it's only on the surface. Inside I am still that child, I've just learned how to better conceal it. Which isn't always a good thing. Actually, it's hardly ever a good thing.

As passive as I appear to be, I have some serious control issues. I am not lacking in trust - in God, in other people - but when I have no control over things I tend to become a little...unwound. I feel like if I don't do things myself then they won't be done correctly and they won't be done in a timely manner. Managing and producing "Harbinger" with other people, overseeing actors and artists has definitely been a test of my controlling issues and helped me learn how to loosen my death grip on a lot of things. People don't always get their lines to me when they should, don't respond to messages or emails, communicate they way they need to, and there's only so much I can do about that. Through all the eye-twitching and yelling at my computer screen after reading an email or ending a Skype conversation, I really have grown in that area even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it.

But I'm still struggling.

I have a little over a month to somehow get a vehicle so that I can move. Sure, I can hop on a plane to Texas and be there but I would have almost none of my stuff but what I could pack in a suitcase. That, and no one up here can store, nor should they store, all my crap. It's my crap. I should be able to take care of it. After that I also have to worry about dental work I desperately need done, and getting my own place. Oh, and I still have six chapters left of my novel to be gone over before I make revisions for the final draft.

No wonder I'm not sleeping!

There has never been any doubt that this move is something God is calling me to do. Not since the morning I woke up and felt that push. There have been moments of fear, of anxiety, and definite moments of being emotional but never doubt. So why am I having such a hard time believing He will provide what I need to get there? I keep feeling like He's going to wait until the last minute before showing me the way because...just because. To teach me to trust more and to loosen that death grip.

It drives me crazy that I have this desire to come up with a contingency plan, a "what if He doesn't come through?" plan of action. That's not trusting at all. But at the same time I'm so afraid to completely trust because I'm terrified of being let down. Like God won't come through which means none of this really was from Him and it was just my own desire to go and then I'll be stuck here with yet another "I'm going to do this!" declaration that will not come to fruition. I am the queen of pipe dreams, the one who always has big, bold ideas that fizzle and die like a campfire built on soggy logs. I don't want to be that person anymore.

So for those reading this who believe, as I do, that prayer is so important and powerful, I ask for prayer. For my circumstances as well as my attitude and thought-life. I need my head to line up with the things my mouth professes and what my heart feels. I need to really trust God will come through if I'm saying that's what I feel. I'm also kind of struggling with self-worth lately, so...yeah.

On another related note, there will be a yard sale at my house September 14-15. Come by and buy stuff! Give me all your money! ^_^

Only half kidding.


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