Sunday, January 23, 2011

Diana Reads X-Men: Chapter Two

So, remember that scene where Rogue wanders into some crapshack of a bar where cage fighting is going on and sees Logan reliving his glory days? Yeah, that didn’t happen in this chapter. In fact, almost nothing that happened when Logan and Rogue met in the movie happened in this chapter.

Is not the point of making a novelization of a movie to add to the scenes already there, not rewrite them and gigglesnort because you got away with completely screwing it up?

In the words of Buffy…

You can’t do that!

There. Now that that’s out of my system, I can proceed.

It starts off with Logan sitting inside a bar-slash-cafe…because there are a lot of those IN REAL LIFE. He’s having steak and coffee. Then he decides to cross over from the cafe side of the place to the bar to have some beers. Okay, there’s a gif I really want to use right now but, the way this book is going, I’m probably going to want to reserve it for later.

I’m pretty sure Logan would have wanted beer with his steak, to be followed by more beer to wash down the taste of beer and steak. Also, what?

In walks scared little Marie being escorted by four fat truck drivers who sit at a table together and make her sit with them. At one point she actually gets up and goes over to Logan to ask him to help her. At which point Logan pretends he’s deaf and can’t smell her terrible no-shower-in-a-year perfume. One of the truckers tries to grab her back like she’s a willful puppy who wants to sniff at strangers, but she puts up a fight, ends up touching him and sends him down to kiss the grimy greasy floor. And apparently when she touched him there was a flash. So, you know, that’s new.

The other truckers decide this is Logan’s fault and go after him instead of Rogue. Deciding he’s bored enough to become a masochist, Logan actually lets two of the guys grab his arms and the one left over get in a few punches. And then this happens.

“Logan doubled over, pretending the guy had actually hurt him. As he was bent over, he clenched his fists and pushed the knuckles of each hand against a leg of one of his captors.

Then he popped his claws.

Nine inches of metal shot from each knuckle.

Eight razor sharp claws stabbed through cloth, skin, and muscle as if it weren’t there.”

Why must this book be so terrible? Why must they take something that already enrages hardcore X-Men fans and make it worse for them? I don’t even…why?

A bar fight then breaks out with the trucker left over, Rogue screams and runs away. In the end, Logan lets the one trucker run away as he, himself, decides he’s had enough beer and coffee. As he drives away he suddenly smells Rogue. He stops because he decides no one is going to hitch a ride with him. Doesn’t matter how old she was or what kind of trouble she is in.

Readers, I am disappoint. That is all I can say.


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