Friday, April 1, 2016

Why I May Look A Little Different

Goodness, has it really been almost a year since my last update? Well, nine months. Still! What a slacker I have been. Be prepared because that is about to change. I plan to start updating this thing once a week, probably every Friday. Also, every Friday I will be uploading vlogs on my YouTube channel. No link yet because nothing is really up that would interest anyone. Next week, though.

So it's April Fools. This is the worst day of the year. You can't believe anything you hear or see. Except for what you read here today. I can assure you 100% that I am not pulling anything over on you or just writing this for a laugh. This is completely serious. And a bit embarrassing. It's also something I've struggled with in silence for quite a few years now, and I'm tired of carrying the secret. When thinking about having a presence on social media this last month, I decided to opt for total transparency. Yes, some things I will keep to myself because everyone does. What I mean is that I will admit to struggles, to victories, the ideas I'm entertaining, I will share my faith, and I will share the days when my faith is lacking. That kind of transparency. So let's get started.

People who have known me for awhile know that I struggled with severe anxiety and depression in my early/mid twenties. My anxiety was so bad that I was borderline agoraphobic. Even going outside to check the mail made me anxious. I lived with it for awhile, but eventually I realized I needed help and went to a psychiatrist. He put me on something that was relatively new at the time, and experimental for people with my condition. I don't know whether it helped with my issues or not, but I took it daily because it was making me lose weight. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only thing it was making me lose. Day by day, I would notice more and more hair in my brush and in the shower. I've always had thin, fine hair to begin with, so losing hair was something that was easily noticed. It happened in patches, usually in spots that were easy to cover up with the right hair style. I don't know how long it took me to figure out that it was the meds, but eventually I did an internet search of the side effects of this particular drug. Lo and behold, I found an alarming number of women who had experienced the same thing. Some of them said their hair slowly began growing back once they stopped the meds, others said there hadn't been any regrowth to speak of yet.

Thankfully, most of the patches grew back. My hair was still very fine and very thin, but it worked. No on could tell I had lost so much hair. At least if they did, they never said anything to me about it, for which I am grateful. I was so fragile back then, who knows what that added weight would have done to me.

Now if that was where my story ended, it would be great. However, along with medication taking my hair, genetics are against me. Because the hair loss started so early and the genes handed down to me, the hair at the crown of my head never grew back in right. In 2014 I shaved my head, partially for St. Baldrick's and partially because I hoped shaving my head would help promote new growth. It didn't. Instead, while most of my hair grew out just as fine and thin as before (but healthy for the first time in ages) the crown of my head had gone into early retirement. I've been pretty successful at hiding it, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to do so as the giant bald patch on the top of my head spreads. I noticed just how big it was yesterday when trying to put my hair in a cute style, and lost it. I literally sat in my bathroom and just cried.

I've tried natural and chemical hair loss treatments, all of which only made more hair fall out. I have wigs and I've worn them before, but I can't style them the way I like to style hair. Either way, I feel like less of a woman. Let me tell you, when I was sobbing in my bathroom, Satan used that as a prime opportunity to slip in and remind me about all of my other imperfections and how I'm pretty much going to be alone for the rest of my life because what man could ever want that?

It was a struggle, but I made myself go to Celebrate Recovery last night, and I'm glad I did. It was freeing to share my struggles in such a safe place, to confess how much I was hurting to room full of women who, while probably unable to empathize, could certainly sympathize and offer me support just by listening. I needed that.

This morning, God and I had a talk. Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship with my heavenly Dad. He likes to pick on me. Being who He is, He knows sarcasm is one my love languages, and when we are deep into conversation with one another, he isn't afraid to slip a little snark in. I won't go into my prayer time because it's special and sacred to me, but long story short, I decided to try out the whole wig thing again. But this time it will be different. This time I'm not doing it to hide, to fade into the background and blend in. This time I am doing it with confidence. And a little adventure. I have two brunette wigs, a blonde, and a pink. I'm not going to be afraid to wear any of them, anywhere. Heck, I may even show up to church one day with rainbow colored hair. God doesn't care what color my hair (or my fake hair) is. He cares that I'm there. He cares that my heart is His and it longs to seek after Him and worship Him, and that is why I am there.

I'd really wanted to do this in a vlog because I tend to ramble on when I write, but also because I know this is a secret shame of a lot of women. Hair loss is not just for men, y'all. Not to take away from the pain men go through when losing their hair, but it's worse for a woman. Trust me on this. I don't think I've seen a bald or balding man yet that didn't wear it well when he owned it. It's hard to do that as a woman.

So the next time you see me, if I have short brown hair, long blonde curls, or pink pigtails, don't be surprised. It's still the same me, just with a little less shine up top.


  1. It's nice to give God credit he's a living God it was with his help u went to CR but it wasubtht had to push yourself to go u are a strong person.

    1. Thanks, Kathleen. I do know for sure that it is God that gives me that strength. Left to my own devices I would be worse off than I am.

  2. Wow! Firstly, I'm so sorry for your struggles. I empathize - I'm pretty sure I've had untreated psoriasis on my scalp and face for the past few years. But losing hair! That's just terribly discouraging. I'm so happy you love your wigs, though, and that you're going to be able to go to church despite your anxieties. You are a very strong woman. I love you, Diana!

    1. (This is Charlotte Elizabeth btw)

    2. Oh dear. That can't be fun, either. I have Psoriatic Arthritis that may be part of my issue, but even if it's not it has shown up on other parts of my body and I know how awful it is to deal with. I feel you pain, sister. Thanks for the compliment, Charlotte. I love you, too, my adopted little sister. ^_^



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