I'll be the first to admit that I have a bit of a Facebook addiction. It's one that I sometimes hate myself for when I've found myself scrolling through page after page of stupid memes, videos of animals, and pictures of food, quoting Paul when he cries, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." It would be a terrifying number to see if I added up all the minutes I wasted on social media instead of spending that time writing. I mean, the people I'm really interested in keeping up with, I talk to regularly as it is. Sounds harsh, but let's be honest with ourselves here. If we were really as "invested" in our Facebook "friends" in real life as we were online, we'd have much better relationships and less surface friendships.
That being said, social media has its merits. I don't have cable and I don't get the paper, so most of my news comes from social media links and articles. In fact it was through one of these articles that I recently found out that Netflix is quietly raising the price of their streaming service. Yes, you read that right. Old users who were "grandfathered" in when the new user price hike was enacted will now be charged $9.99 a month. For more information, check out this article. I don't agree with how secretive this increase has been and how they're going about letting people know about it - or not let them know about it as the case may be - but I don't think the hike itself is anything to shed tears or tear robes about.
Think about it. Netflix is like the fan fic writer we all want to be. It's the guy passing off story suggestions to other people but nothing he's suggesting is original content. Then one day his favorite show gets canceled or it doesn't end the way he wants it to (inset your own scenario here) and he decides to write his own ending and pass it around. He picked up where the story left off, or where it should have left off. The reviews on his stuff are so positive that he decides he's going to go out on a limb and start creating his own original works. Because he's taking on this new, full-time venture, he wants to get paid, and well he should.
Netflix has been creating more and more movies and shows that you can't watch anywhere else, and they are not cheaply made. Things like this cost money, and the demand for these new and exciting serials is growing day by day. Personally, I'd love to see more family related things than a lot of the sex-and-swear-filled stuff they're putting out there, but personal feelings aside, I understand supply and demand. You can't ask for more of something, for better quality of that something, and not expect to have to pay for it. It's really simple economics, especially if I understand it because economics make my head want to explode.
This was not the update I had planned for today, but the article sparked something in me and I wanted to try and help get the world out about the price hike so less people are blindsided. Also, I know I promised vlogs. They are coming, but it's taking a little longer to set up than I'd anticipated. I've got some really fun stuff coming for my channel, though, and I will certainly keep you posted.
So, readers, what are your favorite Netflix creations, and what do you love about them? I am always up for recommendations and love to know what others are into. Leave your comments below!
Friday, April 8, 2016
Friday, April 1, 2016
Why I May Look A Little Different
Goodness, has it really been almost a year since my last update? Well, nine months. Still! What a slacker I have been. Be prepared because that is about to change. I plan to start updating this thing once a week, probably every Friday. Also, every Friday I will be uploading vlogs on my YouTube channel. No link yet because nothing is really up that would interest anyone. Next week, though.
So it's April Fools. This is the worst day of the year. You can't believe anything you hear or see. Except for what you read here today. I can assure you 100% that I am not pulling anything over on you or just writing this for a laugh. This is completely serious. And a bit embarrassing. It's also something I've struggled with in silence for quite a few years now, and I'm tired of carrying the secret. When thinking about having a presence on social media this last month, I decided to opt for total transparency. Yes, some things I will keep to myself because everyone does. What I mean is that I will admit to struggles, to victories, the ideas I'm entertaining, I will share my faith, and I will share the days when my faith is lacking. That kind of transparency. So let's get started.
People who have known me for awhile know that I struggled with severe anxiety and depression in my early/mid twenties. My anxiety was so bad that I was borderline agoraphobic. Even going outside to check the mail made me anxious. I lived with it for awhile, but eventually I realized I needed help and went to a psychiatrist. He put me on something that was relatively new at the time, and experimental for people with my condition. I don't know whether it helped with my issues or not, but I took it daily because it was making me lose weight. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only thing it was making me lose. Day by day, I would notice more and more hair in my brush and in the shower. I've always had thin, fine hair to begin with, so losing hair was something that was easily noticed. It happened in patches, usually in spots that were easy to cover up with the right hair style. I don't know how long it took me to figure out that it was the meds, but eventually I did an internet search of the side effects of this particular drug. Lo and behold, I found an alarming number of women who had experienced the same thing. Some of them said their hair slowly began growing back once they stopped the meds, others said there hadn't been any regrowth to speak of yet.
Thankfully, most of the patches grew back. My hair was still very fine and very thin, but it worked. No on could tell I had lost so much hair. At least if they did, they never said anything to me about it, for which I am grateful. I was so fragile back then, who knows what that added weight would have done to me.
Now if that was where my story ended, it would be great. However, along with medication taking my hair, genetics are against me. Because the hair loss started so early and the genes handed down to me, the hair at the crown of my head never grew back in right. In 2014 I shaved my head, partially for St. Baldrick's and partially because I hoped shaving my head would help promote new growth. It didn't. Instead, while most of my hair grew out just as fine and thin as before (but healthy for the first time in ages) the crown of my head had gone into early retirement. I've been pretty successful at hiding it, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to do so as the giant bald patch on the top of my head spreads. I noticed just how big it was yesterday when trying to put my hair in a cute style, and lost it. I literally sat in my bathroom and just cried.
I've tried natural and chemical hair loss treatments, all of which only made more hair fall out. I have wigs and I've worn them before, but I can't style them the way I like to style hair. Either way, I feel like less of a woman. Let me tell you, when I was sobbing in my bathroom, Satan used that as a prime opportunity to slip in and remind me about all of my other imperfections and how I'm pretty much going to be alone for the rest of my life because what man could ever want that?
It was a struggle, but I made myself go to Celebrate Recovery last night, and I'm glad I did. It was freeing to share my struggles in such a safe place, to confess how much I was hurting to room full of women who, while probably unable to empathize, could certainly sympathize and offer me support just by listening. I needed that.
This morning, God and I had a talk. Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship with my heavenly Dad. He likes to pick on me. Being who He is, He knows sarcasm is one my love languages, and when we are deep into conversation with one another, he isn't afraid to slip a little snark in. I won't go into my prayer time because it's special and sacred to me, but long story short, I decided to try out the whole wig thing again. But this time it will be different. This time I'm not doing it to hide, to fade into the background and blend in. This time I am doing it with confidence. And a little adventure. I have two brunette wigs, a blonde, and a pink. I'm not going to be afraid to wear any of them, anywhere. Heck, I may even show up to church one day with rainbow colored hair. God doesn't care what color my hair (or my fake hair) is. He cares that I'm there. He cares that my heart is His and it longs to seek after Him and worship Him, and that is why I am there.
I'd really wanted to do this in a vlog because I tend to ramble on when I write, but also because I know this is a secret shame of a lot of women. Hair loss is not just for men, y'all. Not to take away from the pain men go through when losing their hair, but it's worse for a woman. Trust me on this. I don't think I've seen a bald or balding man yet that didn't wear it well when he owned it. It's hard to do that as a woman.
So the next time you see me, if I have short brown hair, long blonde curls, or pink pigtails, don't be surprised. It's still the same me, just with a little less shine up top.
So it's April Fools. This is the worst day of the year. You can't believe anything you hear or see. Except for what you read here today. I can assure you 100% that I am not pulling anything over on you or just writing this for a laugh. This is completely serious. And a bit embarrassing. It's also something I've struggled with in silence for quite a few years now, and I'm tired of carrying the secret. When thinking about having a presence on social media this last month, I decided to opt for total transparency. Yes, some things I will keep to myself because everyone does. What I mean is that I will admit to struggles, to victories, the ideas I'm entertaining, I will share my faith, and I will share the days when my faith is lacking. That kind of transparency. So let's get started.
People who have known me for awhile know that I struggled with severe anxiety and depression in my early/mid twenties. My anxiety was so bad that I was borderline agoraphobic. Even going outside to check the mail made me anxious. I lived with it for awhile, but eventually I realized I needed help and went to a psychiatrist. He put me on something that was relatively new at the time, and experimental for people with my condition. I don't know whether it helped with my issues or not, but I took it daily because it was making me lose weight. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only thing it was making me lose. Day by day, I would notice more and more hair in my brush and in the shower. I've always had thin, fine hair to begin with, so losing hair was something that was easily noticed. It happened in patches, usually in spots that were easy to cover up with the right hair style. I don't know how long it took me to figure out that it was the meds, but eventually I did an internet search of the side effects of this particular drug. Lo and behold, I found an alarming number of women who had experienced the same thing. Some of them said their hair slowly began growing back once they stopped the meds, others said there hadn't been any regrowth to speak of yet.
Thankfully, most of the patches grew back. My hair was still very fine and very thin, but it worked. No on could tell I had lost so much hair. At least if they did, they never said anything to me about it, for which I am grateful. I was so fragile back then, who knows what that added weight would have done to me.
Now if that was where my story ended, it would be great. However, along with medication taking my hair, genetics are against me. Because the hair loss started so early and the genes handed down to me, the hair at the crown of my head never grew back in right. In 2014 I shaved my head, partially for St. Baldrick's and partially because I hoped shaving my head would help promote new growth. It didn't. Instead, while most of my hair grew out just as fine and thin as before (but healthy for the first time in ages) the crown of my head had gone into early retirement. I've been pretty successful at hiding it, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to do so as the giant bald patch on the top of my head spreads. I noticed just how big it was yesterday when trying to put my hair in a cute style, and lost it. I literally sat in my bathroom and just cried.
I've tried natural and chemical hair loss treatments, all of which only made more hair fall out. I have wigs and I've worn them before, but I can't style them the way I like to style hair. Either way, I feel like less of a woman. Let me tell you, when I was sobbing in my bathroom, Satan used that as a prime opportunity to slip in and remind me about all of my other imperfections and how I'm pretty much going to be alone for the rest of my life because what man could ever want that?
It was a struggle, but I made myself go to Celebrate Recovery last night, and I'm glad I did. It was freeing to share my struggles in such a safe place, to confess how much I was hurting to room full of women who, while probably unable to empathize, could certainly sympathize and offer me support just by listening. I needed that.
This morning, God and I had a talk. Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship with my heavenly Dad. He likes to pick on me. Being who He is, He knows sarcasm is one my love languages, and when we are deep into conversation with one another, he isn't afraid to slip a little snark in. I won't go into my prayer time because it's special and sacred to me, but long story short, I decided to try out the whole wig thing again. But this time it will be different. This time I'm not doing it to hide, to fade into the background and blend in. This time I am doing it with confidence. And a little adventure. I have two brunette wigs, a blonde, and a pink. I'm not going to be afraid to wear any of them, anywhere. Heck, I may even show up to church one day with rainbow colored hair. God doesn't care what color my hair (or my fake hair) is. He cares that I'm there. He cares that my heart is His and it longs to seek after Him and worship Him, and that is why I am there.
I'd really wanted to do this in a vlog because I tend to ramble on when I write, but also because I know this is a secret shame of a lot of women. Hair loss is not just for men, y'all. Not to take away from the pain men go through when losing their hair, but it's worse for a woman. Trust me on this. I don't think I've seen a bald or balding man yet that didn't wear it well when he owned it. It's hard to do that as a woman.
So the next time you see me, if I have short brown hair, long blonde curls, or pink pigtails, don't be surprised. It's still the same me, just with a little less shine up top.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Beyond the Book Club
A few days ago on Facebook I mentioned something about starting up a book club. I'm part of a book club that I joined on Meetup.com but have yet to actually make it to a meeting because the closest they meet is Concord, and they seem to always picks nights for gatherings to be nights when I have standing plans. Needless to say the excitement I felt when first joining this group dwindled after each missed gathering. But instead of getting discouraged I decided to get smart and just start my own.
About a year ago I started reading a series by Christian author Laura Jensen Walker, a series called "The Getaway Girls" that followed a group of women from all different ages, different personality types, different walks of life who met and bonded over books and their mutual love of them. During one of their meetings they decide they don't want to be the typical book club any longer, that they don't want to just sit around, stuffing their faces and discussing books. They wanted to start living them. I thought the idea was genius and decided, maybe it's time I stopped reading my books as well. Maybe it's time I start living them. And I'm inviting anyone who wants to, to join me. Men and women, young and old, single or married. It's good to have diversity and to mix it up once in awhile. So here's the official pitch:
Here is it, another book club just like all the rest out there. Except not. Beyond the Book Club is just as it sounds. We read books, we discuss them, but we also take it one step further. Each book we read and discuss will be the beginning of an adventure, an engaging opportunity to do something amazing, fun, and hopefully adventerous. Because the excitement doesn't have to end when the book does. "Around the World in 80 Days" may lead to a hot air balloon ride, "Moby Dick" could end in a whale watch, "Emma" just may have you being set up on a blind date, and "Les Miserables" could take you all the way to Paris. We'll meet bi-monthly to discuss our chosen books and the adventures that are sure to follow.
Our first meeting will be Monday, July 20 at 6pm at Wayfarer Coffee Roasters on Main Street in Laconia. They are open until 7 so that should give us enough time to get something delicious to drink and/or nom on while we talk, and be able to introduce ourselves and really get to the meat of our group. From there we can figure out a night/time/place that works the best for all of us and figure out our next meeting. With any luck, we'll also be choosing our first book that night as well.
Bring your questions, bring book suggestions, and bring a friend! Looking forward to seeing everyone there!
About a year ago I started reading a series by Christian author Laura Jensen Walker, a series called "The Getaway Girls" that followed a group of women from all different ages, different personality types, different walks of life who met and bonded over books and their mutual love of them. During one of their meetings they decide they don't want to be the typical book club any longer, that they don't want to just sit around, stuffing their faces and discussing books. They wanted to start living them. I thought the idea was genius and decided, maybe it's time I stopped reading my books as well. Maybe it's time I start living them. And I'm inviting anyone who wants to, to join me. Men and women, young and old, single or married. It's good to have diversity and to mix it up once in awhile. So here's the official pitch:
Here is it, another book club just like all the rest out there. Except not. Beyond the Book Club is just as it sounds. We read books, we discuss them, but we also take it one step further. Each book we read and discuss will be the beginning of an adventure, an engaging opportunity to do something amazing, fun, and hopefully adventerous. Because the excitement doesn't have to end when the book does. "Around the World in 80 Days" may lead to a hot air balloon ride, "Moby Dick" could end in a whale watch, "Emma" just may have you being set up on a blind date, and "Les Miserables" could take you all the way to Paris. We'll meet bi-monthly to discuss our chosen books and the adventures that are sure to follow.
Our first meeting will be Monday, July 20 at 6pm at Wayfarer Coffee Roasters on Main Street in Laconia. They are open until 7 so that should give us enough time to get something delicious to drink and/or nom on while we talk, and be able to introduce ourselves and really get to the meat of our group. From there we can figure out a night/time/place that works the best for all of us and figure out our next meeting. With any luck, we'll also be choosing our first book that night as well.
Bring your questions, bring book suggestions, and bring a friend! Looking forward to seeing everyone there!
Friday, April 24, 2015
Me and My Broken Heart pt. 1
Several weeks ago I was sitting in the commons at CenterPoint listening to an amazing testimony at Celebrate Recovery. I'd just had dinner and fellowship, sang songs, and was doing absolutely nothing that would cause my heart to start beating weird. But all of the sudden the room got darker than it was and it felt like I was tumbling down a long black tunnel. All sound went away, all sensation but that of falling. It happened twice in a 45 minute period. That was five weeks ago and while it hasn't been to the almost blacking out stage, I've had definite moments of dizziness that were so severe that I could focus on nothing else.
In five weeks it's happened at least a dozen times. Sometimes my heart races, sometimes it feels like it's beating through sludge. Sometimes it skips beats. Once it even felt like a car engine that tried to turn over before shuddering to a stop. There were nights I would go to bed praying just to wake up in the morning.
Today I finally got in the see my new Cardiologist. My previous one, the one I have been seeing for years, no longer had my trust when she said, "Can't you just ignore it?" to chest pains I was having some months back. Um, no. I'm sorry. I can't. I have a pulmonary aneurysm. I have every right and reason to be concerned. Don't tell me to ignore it.
Anyway. So I was able to get in to see a doctor from Dartmouth-Hitchcock, the doctor who found the aneurysm to begin with, and I haven't felt so taken care of and validated in a very long time. Each test they did they talked me through and discussed the results, my doctor had real in-depth conversations with me about my medical history as well as what is going on now. No one made me feel like I was over-reacting or crazy as I often felt when seeing my previous doctor. I feel like I'm finally with people who know what they're doing.
I only have a few results from today, thus the pt. 1 of the title.
So that's all I have to share for now. I'm really glad I don't have to wear this during the first weekend of my signing because that would suck. But I am grateful for the fact that I'm being taken care of.
Stay tuned for part two coming next month!
In five weeks it's happened at least a dozen times. Sometimes my heart races, sometimes it feels like it's beating through sludge. Sometimes it skips beats. Once it even felt like a car engine that tried to turn over before shuddering to a stop. There were nights I would go to bed praying just to wake up in the morning.
Today I finally got in the see my new Cardiologist. My previous one, the one I have been seeing for years, no longer had my trust when she said, "Can't you just ignore it?" to chest pains I was having some months back. Um, no. I'm sorry. I can't. I have a pulmonary aneurysm. I have every right and reason to be concerned. Don't tell me to ignore it.
Anyway. So I was able to get in to see a doctor from Dartmouth-Hitchcock, the doctor who found the aneurysm to begin with, and I haven't felt so taken care of and validated in a very long time. Each test they did they talked me through and discussed the results, my doctor had real in-depth conversations with me about my medical history as well as what is going on now. No one made me feel like I was over-reacting or crazy as I often felt when seeing my previous doctor. I feel like I'm finally with people who know what they're doing.
I only have a few results from today, thus the pt. 1 of the title.
- My blood pressure is seriously wonky. My systolic pressure is always pretty much the same and a really good number. My diastolic pressure goes from being low to high, and back again depending on the position I'm in, my activity level, the weather, if potatoes are on sale, whether or not my socks match. Basically it's unpredictable.
- The aneurysm is still there and a little bigger, but not much. Still inoperable. Still annoying.
- Dr. Flanagan thinks the dizziness might be linked to the deterioration in my cervical spine but wants to wait to explore that until the results of my monitor have been read. For now I need to be doing what I have been doing which is being still when the dizziness kicks in and journal everything.
So that's all I have to share for now. I'm really glad I don't have to wear this during the first weekend of my signing because that would suck. But I am grateful for the fact that I'm being taken care of.
Stay tuned for part two coming next month!
Thursday, March 26, 2015
It's Contest Time!
For those of you who do not know I've been talking about a contest off and on for about a month now on the Age of Valor fanpage. (For those of you who really don't know, AoV is my fantasy series.) Well today is the day we finally get to the nitty gritty of it all. I've been wanting to do one for some time but couldn't think of a good prize until just two days ago. I think it's a fantastic prize in my very humble opinion. Hopefully everyone else does as well. So what is it, you ask? It's a painting. By me. Signed for you and shipped anywhere worldwide.
14x17 acrylic painting on stretched canvas, signed
14x17 acrylic painting on stretched canvas, signed
I doubt I will paint this again simply because I never do the same thing twice when I create things so this is a one-of-a-kind piece that you could have, ready to hang without even a frame.
Here is how you can gain entries into the raffle for this painting:
1 entry for liking the fanpage on Facebook
1 entry for sharing the page
1 entry for liking and sharing this contest post on Facebook
1 entry if you've already bought/downloaded the book
1 entry for sharing this contest on other social media networks
5 entries if you've left a review on the Amazon page or leave a new one
10 entries for each new book purchase or download
Working on the honor system here, please leave a comment either here or on the Facebook page telling me which of these you have fulfilled so that I can give you proper entry numbers.
The winner - to be chosen by a random generator - will be chosen three weeks from today. That gives you plenty of time to tick these things off and get the maximum number of 20 entries. Already bought the book? Buy it for someone else you know who likes fantasy! Once the winner is chosen I'll send you a private message via Facebook or we can exchange emails, and your lovely new painting will sent to you right away.
Good luck everyone!
Monday, March 23, 2015
Well That Didn't Work
It's funny to think about how different my life was just ten years ago, how different I was in general. I can count on one hand the number of people who knew the girl who sat in her apartment having a panic attack at the very idea of leaving that safety and security to even check the mail. And if I absolutely had to go somewhere I needed to be with a "safe" person and not out for too long or I would lose it.
...who was that girl?
When I tell people about how I used to be, even after sharing my story at Celebrate Recovery, I've had people express how hard it is to believe I was ever like that. My usual response is to kind of laugh it off because it was really another life ago, but the person I was then and the person I am now has been thrown into such contrast in the past two weeks that I really can't ignore it.
Anyone who has known me for more than a few months knows the part of my story where I sing the praises of One Voice. (Get it? Sing the praises? They sing praises? Well I never said I was funny.) God used them to save my life in a very literal sense. He used people within One Voice to shake me out of whatever stupor I was in. I was suddenly on stage singing, dancing, acting...and I loved it! I found confidence in myself on stage, and off stage I had people speaking into my life, coming alongside me in a way no one really had before. Fast forward a few years and I was led to CenterPoint where God place certain women in my life who would really kick the growing and stretching into high gear.
The girl who was literally afraid of her own shadow had become a woman who was actively pursuing a writing career, being her own publicity agent, eager to join classes at church and leading groups. What? Who is this strange woman?! I like her a lot better than that scared little girl I used to be.
An innocent comment made on something I posted on Facebook yesterday only deepend my self-reflection and took my thoughts a bit farther. Someone said "I'm so glad you're opening up and are able to visit all of these wonderful places!" and my initial thought as, "Well why wouldn't I?" Then I remembered she was one of those few friends who knew me during my dark days.
The truth of the matter is traveling used to be a secret dream of mine, something I always wanted to do but never actually saw myself doing. Of course there was Scotland, that was the ultimate dream. To be able to go and meet family I've never met, to explore, see the family castle and all that...how cool would that be? But only figuratively because to go to Scotland would require leaving my apartment. But as I grew and came more out of my heavy and somehow still very fragile shell, that desire only grew with me.
I've begun saving for that trip to Scotland. Most days it feels like I am never going to get there because, right now, everything I've saved is going into publicity and things for the book. I'm hoping it produces good returns and I'll end up with more that what I started with. That desire to go is so strong some days that it feels like I'm missing a part of myself. How weird is that? I thought it might just be waderlust and a need to be elsewhere but I'm kind of thinking it's not.
Three weekends ago I went to North Carolina for a Celebrate Recovery one-day conference and I was so excited to be someplace new! Conference aside (which was amazing by the way) I was thrilled to be in a place I knew nothing about and knew no one besides the two women with me. But we didn't really have much time to explore. Then I just came back from a week in Florida which was also super exciting. Again, I knew no one except the people I was with. And it was on this trip that I realized something:
I want to go alone.
Both times I traveled I was with people I loved and people I love spending time with. All of them made my trips so enjoyable on so many different levels. But there is something to be said for going it alone. One of my very best friends suggested when I go to Scotland I should go alone and I agreed because she made good points, but it really clicked into place for me these past couple of weeks.
I want to be on my own time table with no one else to consider. If I want to go, I'll go. If I want to stay where I am and write, I'll write. If I want to go to bed early I will, and if I want to stay up all night doing nothing but looking at the sky, I will. I have several friends who have expressed interest in going with me and have all but said they'd be happy doing whatever I wanted to do because it would be my trip, but the thing is, no one could be happy doing everything I'm doing exactly when I want to do it except me. Because everyone is different. And because of who I am I will pick up on hesitance or desire to do something or be elsewhere and likely either give into it or feel guilty for not giving into it.
I want to go alone.
Not because I am anti-social, secluding, or being an extreme introvert. Because I want this adventure for myself. I want to be away from everything and everyone safe and familiar and see what happens.
I'm going to make it happen somehow. Soon. Mostly because I want to but also because I know a lot of people doubt it will happen. And I like to prove people wrong. Pride issues. Maybe I should bring that up at my next CR meeting...
...who was that girl?
When I tell people about how I used to be, even after sharing my story at Celebrate Recovery, I've had people express how hard it is to believe I was ever like that. My usual response is to kind of laugh it off because it was really another life ago, but the person I was then and the person I am now has been thrown into such contrast in the past two weeks that I really can't ignore it.
Anyone who has known me for more than a few months knows the part of my story where I sing the praises of One Voice. (Get it? Sing the praises? They sing praises? Well I never said I was funny.) God used them to save my life in a very literal sense. He used people within One Voice to shake me out of whatever stupor I was in. I was suddenly on stage singing, dancing, acting...and I loved it! I found confidence in myself on stage, and off stage I had people speaking into my life, coming alongside me in a way no one really had before. Fast forward a few years and I was led to CenterPoint where God place certain women in my life who would really kick the growing and stretching into high gear.
The girl who was literally afraid of her own shadow had become a woman who was actively pursuing a writing career, being her own publicity agent, eager to join classes at church and leading groups. What? Who is this strange woman?! I like her a lot better than that scared little girl I used to be.
An innocent comment made on something I posted on Facebook yesterday only deepend my self-reflection and took my thoughts a bit farther. Someone said "I'm so glad you're opening up and are able to visit all of these wonderful places!" and my initial thought as, "Well why wouldn't I?" Then I remembered she was one of those few friends who knew me during my dark days.
The truth of the matter is traveling used to be a secret dream of mine, something I always wanted to do but never actually saw myself doing. Of course there was Scotland, that was the ultimate dream. To be able to go and meet family I've never met, to explore, see the family castle and all that...how cool would that be? But only figuratively because to go to Scotland would require leaving my apartment. But as I grew and came more out of my heavy and somehow still very fragile shell, that desire only grew with me.
I've begun saving for that trip to Scotland. Most days it feels like I am never going to get there because, right now, everything I've saved is going into publicity and things for the book. I'm hoping it produces good returns and I'll end up with more that what I started with. That desire to go is so strong some days that it feels like I'm missing a part of myself. How weird is that? I thought it might just be waderlust and a need to be elsewhere but I'm kind of thinking it's not.
Three weekends ago I went to North Carolina for a Celebrate Recovery one-day conference and I was so excited to be someplace new! Conference aside (which was amazing by the way) I was thrilled to be in a place I knew nothing about and knew no one besides the two women with me. But we didn't really have much time to explore. Then I just came back from a week in Florida which was also super exciting. Again, I knew no one except the people I was with. And it was on this trip that I realized something:
I want to go alone.
Both times I traveled I was with people I loved and people I love spending time with. All of them made my trips so enjoyable on so many different levels. But there is something to be said for going it alone. One of my very best friends suggested when I go to Scotland I should go alone and I agreed because she made good points, but it really clicked into place for me these past couple of weeks.
I want to be on my own time table with no one else to consider. If I want to go, I'll go. If I want to stay where I am and write, I'll write. If I want to go to bed early I will, and if I want to stay up all night doing nothing but looking at the sky, I will. I have several friends who have expressed interest in going with me and have all but said they'd be happy doing whatever I wanted to do because it would be my trip, but the thing is, no one could be happy doing everything I'm doing exactly when I want to do it except me. Because everyone is different. And because of who I am I will pick up on hesitance or desire to do something or be elsewhere and likely either give into it or feel guilty for not giving into it.
I want to go alone.
Not because I am anti-social, secluding, or being an extreme introvert. Because I want this adventure for myself. I want to be away from everything and everyone safe and familiar and see what happens.
I'm going to make it happen somehow. Soon. Mostly because I want to but also because I know a lot of people doubt it will happen. And I like to prove people wrong. Pride issues. Maybe I should bring that up at my next CR meeting...
Friday, February 13, 2015
Happy Singles Awareness Day
For a long time I have laughingly said that I was terminally single, meaning it was something I could not change and would likely die from. It always came out as a flippant comment, something to make light of an area in which I was really struggling. As society evolves (or devolves in some cases) more and more women are deciding they don't want and/or need the whole marriage and kids shebang. Sadly it's become more commonplace for women to "take matters into their own hands" and just find companionship when they feel like they need it, no strings attached. How that doesn't leave someone feeling all the more empty after the fact, I have no idea. Or maybe it does and that's the drawback to this so-called freedom that no one really wants to discuss.
I've brought this tender subject to God many a time over, always lamenting my lack of a man in my life, of children, of really feeling like an adult. I've discussed it with my friends, both single and married, who have all said singleness is a freedom to be cherished. And while I did understand I didn't have to worry about certain things preventing me to do crazy things on a whim, what they didn't seem to understand was that I longed for those ties. Sure, I could go on a week-long road trip if I wanted, but who did I have to share it with? Who did I have to come home to? Singleness was a gift I no longer wanted. I had outgrown it and was ready to exchange it for something different.
Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but I've often tried to convince myself that I would be fine if I was single for the rest of my life. There has been a lot of trauma in my past so maybe it would really be better to avoid that whole thing all together. I thought if I said it often enough, that I was better off single, it would begin to take root and make itself true. But it never really did. At least, not until very recently.
At group Wednesday we had two questions we went over: What are you not trusting God to take from you and what have you turned over to Him. Well in the past couple of weeks I truly did turn over this whole single vs. not single thing, and for the first time since I brought it before God so many years ago, I felt a real peace wash over me. It was a peace that was full of trust. Still is. I can honestly say I will be happy either way. If God chooses to bless me with a husband, great. If He doesn't, I trust it's for the best. So many writers I know lose their mojo for writing once they get married. I have always been terrified that would happen to me, so maybe that's why I'm still single. Or maybe it's a completely different, obscure reason I'll never understand. No matter what, I'm okay with it.
Also, wasn't it Paul who said it's better to stay single so that nothing can sway your focus from Christ? I already have so many things that distract me from Him as it is.
On the subject of children, well that's a little different. Since I am one of those "crazy Christians" who believes when God says sex is for those who are married to one another and won't go sleeping around in hopes of getting pregnant, there are some options I can explore. And will explore. Besides, who wants to end up an Ace of Base song? Did I just date myself? Goodness, I am so old.
In the meantime I will go back to writing. I think I'm about 7 or 8 chapters away from the first draft of book two being finished. I would love to have it already be in the editing process before the book signing in May so that I can promote not only the first book, but have some sort of teaser for the second as well. They say the best way for unknowns to become better knowns is to write more than one book. Well, I'm working on it. I'm hoping the audio drama will be completed by then as well, but if not I'll definitely be bringing what is completed to be playing at my booth. More teasers. What fun.
Happy Valentines Day, everyone. A day early. Have a blessed weekend, snow or no snow.
I laughed when I saw this because it's true.
I've brought this tender subject to God many a time over, always lamenting my lack of a man in my life, of children, of really feeling like an adult. I've discussed it with my friends, both single and married, who have all said singleness is a freedom to be cherished. And while I did understand I didn't have to worry about certain things preventing me to do crazy things on a whim, what they didn't seem to understand was that I longed for those ties. Sure, I could go on a week-long road trip if I wanted, but who did I have to share it with? Who did I have to come home to? Singleness was a gift I no longer wanted. I had outgrown it and was ready to exchange it for something different.
Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but I've often tried to convince myself that I would be fine if I was single for the rest of my life. There has been a lot of trauma in my past so maybe it would really be better to avoid that whole thing all together. I thought if I said it often enough, that I was better off single, it would begin to take root and make itself true. But it never really did. At least, not until very recently.
At group Wednesday we had two questions we went over: What are you not trusting God to take from you and what have you turned over to Him. Well in the past couple of weeks I truly did turn over this whole single vs. not single thing, and for the first time since I brought it before God so many years ago, I felt a real peace wash over me. It was a peace that was full of trust. Still is. I can honestly say I will be happy either way. If God chooses to bless me with a husband, great. If He doesn't, I trust it's for the best. So many writers I know lose their mojo for writing once they get married. I have always been terrified that would happen to me, so maybe that's why I'm still single. Or maybe it's a completely different, obscure reason I'll never understand. No matter what, I'm okay with it.
Also, wasn't it Paul who said it's better to stay single so that nothing can sway your focus from Christ? I already have so many things that distract me from Him as it is.
On the subject of children, well that's a little different. Since I am one of those "crazy Christians" who believes when God says sex is for those who are married to one another and won't go sleeping around in hopes of getting pregnant, there are some options I can explore. And will explore. Besides, who wants to end up an Ace of Base song? Did I just date myself? Goodness, I am so old.
In the meantime I will go back to writing. I think I'm about 7 or 8 chapters away from the first draft of book two being finished. I would love to have it already be in the editing process before the book signing in May so that I can promote not only the first book, but have some sort of teaser for the second as well. They say the best way for unknowns to become better knowns is to write more than one book. Well, I'm working on it. I'm hoping the audio drama will be completed by then as well, but if not I'll definitely be bringing what is completed to be playing at my booth. More teasers. What fun.
Happy Valentines Day, everyone. A day early. Have a blessed weekend, snow or no snow.
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